this is how i’m doing: in case you were wondering…

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” - John 15:1-5

This has been the “7th Heaven” theme (you know, how every episode of 7th Heaven has an overall theme and everyone’s problems all relate to that theme) of my life the last few weeks. I’m struggling to be a good employee, student, friend, accountability partner and have found myself in this place of chaotic despair — I can’t do it. My prayers usually went to the tune of “God I need your help”. Then, He gave me this passage. He never said, “do as much as you can on your own, then come to me when you need some help”, but that’s how I tend to live my life. With that mentality I’ve been trying to produce fruit and asking God for a little help along the way which doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. It doesn’t say that the one who bears fruit abides in Him but the opposite, the one who is abiding in Christ will bear fruit. It’s not about the fruit! It’s never been about the fruit! God’s not asking me to “try harder” or to “do better” — as if to say His sacrifice wasn’t enough. It screams of arrogance for which I find myself repenting of frequently.

I think I make things hard for myself. I mistake busyness for obedience. I pour energy and time into doing tasks neglecting the true vine, the source of power and life and that neglect is slowly killing me. But God is faithful and good — we operate under a WHOLE lot of grace. He corrects me along the way and gives me opportunities daily to abide and trust in Him.

So I suppose an update is in order. As I said before, I finally realized what I want to be when I grow up — a college professor. I want to teach speech communication. To be more specific, I’d like to teach speech comm at SFA. That strange little town has grown on me so much so that it’s the only place right now that feels like home. How will I get there? That’s still up in the air, but at least I have some direction for once!

Related to this revelation, I realized that online learning just isn’t for me. I’ve done less than stellar in my 2 classes this semester. That combined with a few other factors (work, cost, career goals) has led to my decision to not finish my degree with Regent. My plan is to pursue an M.A. in Communication (either here at UNT or back at SFA) and then go on to finish a Ph.D in Comm, possibly at A&M (I would finally be able to be an Aggie!). That’s all a long way away so we won’t talk too much about it — I’ve got PLENTY to do in the here and now.

So that’s it! Oh, quick poll — would you say I remind you more of Barak Obama or Tiger Woods?

I’ve been cheating on you. It started out rather innocently but then it got a little out of hand. But I’m back now. I started journaling last week — like real ink on paper in a book. Don’t get me wrong, it will never replace this wonderful thing we have going here, but I needed something more than this.

Anyway, I’m back from Thanksgiving holiday which was completely awesome. I love spending time with my family and eating fattening foods. I’m really blessed.

In other news, school is going… well it’s going. My future academic career is in question. I kind of had this epiphany a few days ago and realized what I wanted to be when I grow up which has me questioning little things like where I should go to school and where I should live and work. It’s funny because I finally feel like I know where home is for me, but I’m not sure how I’m suppose to get there.

I’ll keep you posted and fill you in on all the details once things become a bit more concrete.

Snagged this from Todd’s blog.

What’s your blog reading level?